accept and move on

i'm really disappointed in myself. sunday was such a bad day for me. i mean, i could easily say that the confusing situation with my dad doesn't bother me anymore but seeing him really tugged at my heart. i really can't avoid him cus i've got to face it, it's a small city, unless i'm cooped up in my room i'm bound to see him around. i just wish i wasn't so confused about the whole thing. it's like.. i want to see the world in black or white, either you're in or you're out of my life but he insists on tip toeing in between the two, coming and going whenever it's convenient for him. but really, i shouldn't expect more than nothing from him because he was never really there in the first place. i thought it was something that would eventually be easier to understand with age but it's not. i'm still as confused as when i was 7, watching my friends hug their dads with such happiness and appreciation on their faces.. or when i was 15, hearing my friend tell us he had to leave while we were doing a project because he had to go to a family dinner. i shouldn't wish for 19, almost 20 years of memories i wish i could have with the guy but i just wish i could accept this and move on from it without any bitterness lingering in my heart.

dear ma, i'm sorry if you took the stuff i said on sunday the wrong way. i was just trying to get you to understand my frustrations. you know you're what keeps me going. i love and appreciate everything you've done for me.