to the one i never got to meet

Hi baby,

The news of you boosted my spirits in my time of extreme stress and painful anticipation. I still remember Ate Ritchell's face as she walked through the back door, the news of your coming is just what I needed at the time to keep me going. The smiles of my cousins, my mom and especially my lola warmed my heart, even Jarrell took part in jumping up and down. We all felt the same thing. You were going to be our next big star. (You're still my star.) I can picture Jarrell's exact face the first time we called him "Kuya Jarrell", his smile stretched from ear to ear. I could sense that he knew what was going on and he was so excited. I told my friends right away, I knew you'd be such a beautiful baby with huge gorgeous eyes and a never ending smile, just like your kuya. I know you'd be strong like your kuya too, he's really strong.

Baby, I can remember the day we received the bad news as vividly as we knew of the good. Ate Ritchell was in the hospital but we were positive everything would be okay. Tita Wheng said that before she had her first baby, the same thing happened to her. He's 11 now and healthy, everything was supposed to turn out exactly the same way. They asked someone to pick Jarell up. Tito Erwin picked him up from the hospital, he looked so lost, confused and angry. A side of him I've never seen before. And so, even I, began to feel lost, confused and angry, my baby Jarrell was different now. Just as he knew you were coming, he knew just as well that you left. There wasn't even the slightest possibility in my mind that you'd be gone before I could meet you but he did.

How big you of an impact you left on Jarrell amazes me. He's no longer confused because he understands everything that happened, maybe even more than anyone else. Considering how young and inexperienced with the world he is.. His eyes tell me that he knows. However, he's still stuck with the anger of you not being with us anymore. StarBaby, your Kuya hardly smiles anymore, and when he does it doesn't stretch from ear to ear. He doesn't even show all of his teeth. It breaks my heart to see him in the state he's in, so quiet, so still with his eyes still opened wide as if trying for us to understand his pain through his eyes. I took him to my room yesterday just to play like we did before, maybe shooting games, they were his favourite, but he didn't want to play. Instead, he grabbed the plastic gun, my computer mouse, hair curler, movies, presents and threw them on the floor. What scared me the most is that he did this without the slightest sign of enjoyment, again, just his wide eyes and smile-less face. I'm trying to understand why he's acting this way, I think he just really misses you. I miss you too.

I wonder if you would have been tall or whether you'd be dark or not. Would you have been quiet or really loud and hyper like the rest of the babies in the family? Would you have really liked me? I know I would have liked you, no matter how kulit you'd be to me when my friends came over. All of us thought you would be the next baby girl in our family, but I'd love you just the same if you were a baby boy. Maybe, like Jarrell, I could easily put you to sleep by playing boyz ii men on repeat or you could giggle when we would make funny noises to you. I know for sure you were supposed to be something so special, your Kuya Jc's sadness proves it. Maybe we weren't ready for you yet and you wanted to save yourself for a more appropriate time.

I just wanted to say hello and I really hope to meet you someday. Until then, watch over your brother, keep him safe and help guide him to youthful happiness again. We'll keep our eyes on the highest star every night, give us a wink once in a while.

love always and forever,

your ninang tin