pop

after all this time i'm still jealous. i know i should suck it up and accept it but a tiny part inside of me yearns for the picture perfect family. the kind that goes out to fancy dinners and watches movies on the couch together. i wish as a child i had the chance to run to my dad crying when i had a scraped knee or have him teach me how to ride my bike. (thank you ma!)

i have an unusual relationship with my pop. he's there but not really there. i've never lived in the same house as him or seen him and my mom kiss but for as long as i can remember, he's been a part of my life without really being a part of my life. growing up, i never felt like seeing the man every 6-10 months was enough. it wasn't perfect like my other friends had.. i wanted what they had. he'd jump in and out of my life saying that he loved me every chance he could. but did he really? it doesn't make sense to me.. him loving me, he barely even knows me.

does he know when i took my first steps?

or when i had my first crush?

or even what i want to be when i grow up?

... he doesn't and probably never will.

how could he love someone he barely even knows.. how could i? i do respect him tho and appreciate him for bringing me into this world but i'm not sure about love.

i probably sound like a bitter child. i just wonder sometimes how different it would have been if he was around.

happy fathers day. i really do wish you happiness pop.