i was cleaning up and found a letter from a year ago from a friend/ ex-friend/ acquaintance/ i'm not too sure what to call us anymore.

it was an apology letter.

in high school, we had the opportunity to write apology/ forgiveness letters during our time at encounter. for some reason (probably because of my horrible memory) i forgot that i received this one.

it's a pretty long letter, 3 pages to be exact of a friend owning up to her mistakes. while re-reading the letter, i feel like i felt every single bit of each feeling i felt the very first time that i did read it. i teared up pretty bad, my throat was pretty dry and though i wish i could say what happened in the past wasn't too big of a deal, if it were to happen again, i would make it just a big of a deal as i made it before.

2 years ago, i was angry. i hated her for not coming to me with problems she had concerning me, instead she came to everyone else but me and i hated her for that. hated her so much that i was willing to throw 10 years of friendship away just like that. both our egos got in the way and even though seeing each other was unavoidable, we made it so we pretended the other didn't exist. oh well, that's how i handled it anyway.

seeing the letter reminded me of how much hurt i went through during my last year of high school. having my two longest friends turn on me really took a toll on me emotionally and my social life suffered as well. though they weren't my only friends, i lost trust in all of my friends all together. i stopped going out, i saw my family more often, and i thought.. a lot.

it was bittersweet i guess. my family is happy that i spend more time with them but at the same time i've lost the opportunity to trust.

in the beginning of her letter, she said she hoped that i didn't think she took the "easy" way out by writing a letter and i don't. i admire her for being able to recognize her mistakes, something that i really need to work on. if anything, the coward was me.. making up with her over a drunk phone call and then pretending none of what happened ever happened.

i regret that a little bit. though we did have a good heart to heart via phone call while i was in the back seat of a friends car, i still don't feel like it's enough. not that i expected us to go back to being the way before, i just wish i would have spoken to her about it face to face or something.

i know it's been a year now and there's nothing more to do. i just wish i didn't have all this baggage all over again, baggage that i thought i had gotten rid of.

in time.